Yes, that's right. Today I was shot . . . with HCG that is. Nothing like starting your morning with a needle in your behind. It didn't hurt too bad though and the pain is worth it when I think about the end result. Speaking of the end result, I stopped and got dinner from Pei Wei on the way home tonight. I opened my fortune cookie and what did it say . . . "BOY." That's right. I about fell over and am taking it as a sign. I've decided to save it and write the date on it so I will remember the fortune I got the night before my first (and God willing only) IUI.
I have to wonder if all the women who have gone through this are as nervous and excited as I am right now. I can't believe it's finally here. I really am going to try to make a baby tomorrow. I've smiled all day today and my heart has been in one long prayer tonight. I just pray that this is it . . . that the IUI takes tomorrow and that nine months from now I will be bringing home my little Christmas baby.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Tomorrow I pull the trigger . . .
the trigger shot that is. Yes, tomorrow is part one of the big event. I have to be at the doctor at 8:00 in the morning to get the HCG trigger shot. If all goes well and it works the way it is supposed to work, the shot will stimulate ovulation and when I go in on Friday for the IUI, my body will be ready.
I've been smiling all week and doing a happy dance on the inside. . . . though truthfully, I think I did a few actual dance steps today. Not that I can tap dance but I'm pretty sure I shuffle ball changed into my office because I'm so excited. I'm already thinking of all the things I want to do with my son or daughter: how I want to decorate the baby's room, all the little clothes, and oh wow the expenses too. But I'm not going to think about that part of it today. Today and for the next few days, I'm just going to be excited that the time is finally here and that I am really and truly working towards having a baby. So the nurse better have her trigger hand ready because I'm going to be there bright and early and ready to go . . . and then starts down the big countdown to Friday.
I've been smiling all week and doing a happy dance on the inside. . . . though truthfully, I think I did a few actual dance steps today. Not that I can tap dance but I'm pretty sure I shuffle ball changed into my office because I'm so excited. I'm already thinking of all the things I want to do with my son or daughter: how I want to decorate the baby's room, all the little clothes, and oh wow the expenses too. But I'm not going to think about that part of it today. Today and for the next few days, I'm just going to be excited that the time is finally here and that I am really and truly working towards having a baby. So the nurse better have her trigger hand ready because I'm going to be there bright and early and ready to go . . . and then starts down the big countdown to Friday.
Monday, March 28, 2011
I feel like singing the "Friday" song . . .
Well not really. I actually hate the "Friday" song. It is just flat out annoying. But, I do love Fridays. That is the big day this week. On Thursday morning I go in for the HCG trigger shot. The nurse actually asked if I wanted to have a family member give it to me at home. The answer to that is a big no thanks because I don't quite see giving one of my family members a needle and letting them stick me with it. Nope, I'm getting it done by a professional. Then on Friday we do the IUI. I was practically skipping as I left the doctor's office. It's really here and I'm really doing this.
Of course to some extent this experience is a bit bittersweet. I know what I want and I know that this is the right choice for me but the traditional part of me rebels at the idea of doing this. It's not how I wanted it to happen and honestly, in my heart, I don't think it is the way it should happen. It is far too clinical to look at a catlog of character traits, order a donor sample over the internet and then go to the doctor to make a baby. It just isn't how I wanted this to happen. I wanted the whole picture. . . marriage to a wonderful man and then a family. Then age 40 came along and I realized that even though the marriage part might still be on the horizon, at some point the baby part might be outside my reach unless I take charge. I have to confess though that even though I'm certain of my decision, my heart still aches a bit at the idea that I won't be giving my child a father. The picture of mom and dad and baby together is what has been holding me back all these years. It is hard to let that go and step out on faith on this journey alone.
But here I am . . a little bit sad but overwhelmingly excited. Just four more days and I could have a baby on the way. Pink or blue? That may be the next big decision I have to make.
Of course to some extent this experience is a bit bittersweet. I know what I want and I know that this is the right choice for me but the traditional part of me rebels at the idea of doing this. It's not how I wanted it to happen and honestly, in my heart, I don't think it is the way it should happen. It is far too clinical to look at a catlog of character traits, order a donor sample over the internet and then go to the doctor to make a baby. It just isn't how I wanted this to happen. I wanted the whole picture. . . marriage to a wonderful man and then a family. Then age 40 came along and I realized that even though the marriage part might still be on the horizon, at some point the baby part might be outside my reach unless I take charge. I have to confess though that even though I'm certain of my decision, my heart still aches a bit at the idea that I won't be giving my child a father. The picture of mom and dad and baby together is what has been holding me back all these years. It is hard to let that go and step out on faith on this journey alone.
But here I am . . a little bit sad but overwhelmingly excited. Just four more days and I could have a baby on the way. Pink or blue? That may be the next big decision I have to make.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Day 5 . . . A big week ahead
Well, I took the last of five doses of Clomid today. Tomorrow is a big day and the start of a big week. I go in for an ultrasound tomorrow afternoon to find out if I'm ovulating. TMI for a blog? Maybe, but the purpose of this blog is to chronicle my experiences, my joys and my fears and maybe give some insight into others who are considering this path and maybe find answers to some of my own questions along the way. So openness (to some extent) seems appropriate.
I don't know if I'm taking the HCG trigger shot tomorrow or if I have to go back a day or two later for it. Here's a little tip from me to you on the HCG shot. If you're like me and it isn't covered by your insurance, expect it to be expensive. I was quoted $171 by a pharmacy chain. I have to admit my heart dropped when I heard the price. Apparently it's now a diet drug as well as a fertility drug which I suppose is what drives the cost up. But check around. I made a list of local pharmacies and just started calling them to price the drug. . . . and I hit pay dirt. A small local pharmacy had the HCG drug under the name Pregnyl and sold it to me for $62. Be sure to check with your doctor to make sure the substitution is right for you but my doctor okayed it and I am set. When you're working without insurance every dollar counts so as I find deals I will be sure to share them.
Tomorrow I will also find out what day this week the IUI will be done. I'm just so excited that the time is finally here. Wow, one day this week, I could be pregnant. It's an overwhelming thought and a scary one for alot of reasons. Don't get me wrong, I want this more than anything but there are alot of factors in my life that have to be considered. A big one is can I get pregnant and stay pregnant. My progesterone was really low last month, hence the Clomid and trigger shot. I've been trying some natural ways to raise my progesterone as well, such as B-6 and cutting out things in my life that tend to lower progesterone. I've been trying so hard to be clinical and detached about this. I know the stats and I know there are no guarantees but I also know I will be crushed if it doesn't take this time. I keep asking myself "Why should I be special? Why should I get pregnant on the first try when so many women try for so long?" I don't have an answer for that. I just know how badly I want this and how long I've prayed for it.
Another factor, and the big one for my family, is health related. Perfectly healthy women sometimes have complications in pregnancy and women with pre-existing conditions can sail right through. It's individual and I know that, but starting out at a disadvantage is never easy. Maybe I should be more fearful for my own health than I am but my greatest concern is what sort of legacy I give to my child. I have high blood pressure and also a fairly rare condition called primary lymphedema. I don't want my child to suffer from the lymphedema. There is no reason it will be hereditary. No one in my family had it before I got it and I've talked to many women who have gone through pregnancy with it and whose children are perfectly healthy. But it is still a fear I have and one that I've struggled with for years and which has held me back from trying to get pregnant. It occurs to me though that I will have the child that God wants me to have at exactly the right time. Can there be any doubt about that?
Psalm 139:13-17 (NIV)
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts concerning me, God!
How vast is the sum of them!
I have to keep remembering those verses and hold on to them as I go through this journey. God already knows my child, even before he/she is formed and He is here with me as I go through this experience. I just need to put my trust in Him.
I don't know if I'm taking the HCG trigger shot tomorrow or if I have to go back a day or two later for it. Here's a little tip from me to you on the HCG shot. If you're like me and it isn't covered by your insurance, expect it to be expensive. I was quoted $171 by a pharmacy chain. I have to admit my heart dropped when I heard the price. Apparently it's now a diet drug as well as a fertility drug which I suppose is what drives the cost up. But check around. I made a list of local pharmacies and just started calling them to price the drug. . . . and I hit pay dirt. A small local pharmacy had the HCG drug under the name Pregnyl and sold it to me for $62. Be sure to check with your doctor to make sure the substitution is right for you but my doctor okayed it and I am set. When you're working without insurance every dollar counts so as I find deals I will be sure to share them.
Tomorrow I will also find out what day this week the IUI will be done. I'm just so excited that the time is finally here. Wow, one day this week, I could be pregnant. It's an overwhelming thought and a scary one for alot of reasons. Don't get me wrong, I want this more than anything but there are alot of factors in my life that have to be considered. A big one is can I get pregnant and stay pregnant. My progesterone was really low last month, hence the Clomid and trigger shot. I've been trying some natural ways to raise my progesterone as well, such as B-6 and cutting out things in my life that tend to lower progesterone. I've been trying so hard to be clinical and detached about this. I know the stats and I know there are no guarantees but I also know I will be crushed if it doesn't take this time. I keep asking myself "Why should I be special? Why should I get pregnant on the first try when so many women try for so long?" I don't have an answer for that. I just know how badly I want this and how long I've prayed for it.
Another factor, and the big one for my family, is health related. Perfectly healthy women sometimes have complications in pregnancy and women with pre-existing conditions can sail right through. It's individual and I know that, but starting out at a disadvantage is never easy. Maybe I should be more fearful for my own health than I am but my greatest concern is what sort of legacy I give to my child. I have high blood pressure and also a fairly rare condition called primary lymphedema. I don't want my child to suffer from the lymphedema. There is no reason it will be hereditary. No one in my family had it before I got it and I've talked to many women who have gone through pregnancy with it and whose children are perfectly healthy. But it is still a fear I have and one that I've struggled with for years and which has held me back from trying to get pregnant. It occurs to me though that I will have the child that God wants me to have at exactly the right time. Can there be any doubt about that?
Psalm 139:13-17 (NIV)
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts concerning me, God!
How vast is the sum of them!
I have to keep remembering those verses and hold on to them as I go through this journey. God already knows my child, even before he/she is formed and He is here with me as I go through this experience. I just need to put my trust in Him.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
The Great Baby Quest
I've been thinking about the best way to chronicle my journey to motherhood and a blog seems to be as good a way as any. No, I'm not pregnant yet. Yes, I am single. I'm also 40, a professional and a mother at heart. Let's just say that it's the only job I've ever really wanted . . . to be a mom. It seems to me that motherhood is the greatest gift and highest honor a woman can have. Why do I feel certain that feminists everywhere just ground their teeth at that comment? Well I have an education, three degrees, and professional career that I love but at the end of the day if I just go home to an empty house and an empty heart, what's the purpose? What is my purpose?
Jeremiah 1:5 says: "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, And before you were born I consecrated you; I have appointed you a prophet to the nations." I would say to my future baby, I've always wanted you; I've always loved you; I've always known your name; and I've always carried you in my heart. I know it's sappy but the decision to pursue single motherhood at age 40 was a hard decision. It came after more than five years of thought and prayer and waiting. Waiting for something. . . the right time, the right man, the right circumstances. But I've come to the realization that if I want this, and I do, then I have to reach out and grab it. It won't be easy and I am scared but I'm also at peace about this decision. I hope you will join me on this journey and not judge me too harshly for my choices.
Jeremiah 1:5 says: "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, And before you were born I consecrated you; I have appointed you a prophet to the nations." I would say to my future baby, I've always wanted you; I've always loved you; I've always known your name; and I've always carried you in my heart. I know it's sappy but the decision to pursue single motherhood at age 40 was a hard decision. It came after more than five years of thought and prayer and waiting. Waiting for something. . . the right time, the right man, the right circumstances. But I've come to the realization that if I want this, and I do, then I have to reach out and grab it. It won't be easy and I am scared but I'm also at peace about this decision. I hope you will join me on this journey and not judge me too harshly for my choices.
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