Day 5 . . . A big week ahead

Well, I took the last of five doses of Clomid today.  Tomorrow is a big day and the start of a big week.  I go in for an ultrasound tomorrow afternoon to find out if I'm ovulating.  TMI for a blog?  Maybe, but the purpose of this blog is to chronicle my experiences, my joys and my fears and maybe give some insight into others who are considering this path and maybe find answers to some of my own questions along the way.  So openness (to some extent) seems appropriate. 

I don't know if I'm taking the HCG trigger shot tomorrow or if I have to go back a day or two later for it.  Here's a little tip from me to you on the HCG shot.  If you're like me and it isn't covered by your insurance, expect it to be expensive.  I was quoted $171 by a pharmacy chain.  I have to admit my heart dropped when I heard the price.  Apparently it's now a diet drug as well as a fertility drug which I suppose is what drives the cost up.  But check around.  I made a list of local pharmacies and just started calling them to price the drug. . . . and I hit pay dirt.  A small local pharmacy had the HCG drug under the name Pregnyl and sold it to me for $62.  Be sure to check with your doctor to make sure the substitution is right for you but my doctor okayed it and I am set.  When you're working without insurance every dollar counts so as I find deals I will be sure to share them.

Tomorrow I will also find out what day this week the IUI will be done.  I'm just so excited that the time is finally here.  Wow, one day this week, I could be pregnant.  It's an overwhelming thought and a scary one for alot of reasons.  Don't get me wrong, I want this more than anything but there are alot of factors in my life that have to be considered.  A big one is can I get pregnant and stay pregnant.  My progesterone was really low last month, hence the Clomid and trigger shot.  I've been trying some natural ways to raise my progesterone as well, such as B-6 and cutting out things in my life that tend to lower progesterone.  I've been trying so hard to be clinical and detached about this.  I know the stats and I know there are no guarantees but I also know I will be crushed if it doesn't take this time.  I keep asking myself "Why should I be special?  Why should I get pregnant on the first try when so many women try for so long?"  I don't have an answer for that.  I just know how badly I want this and how long I've prayed for it.

Another factor, and the big one for my family, is health related.  Perfectly healthy women sometimes have complications in pregnancy and women with pre-existing conditions can sail right through.  It's individual and I know that, but starting out at a disadvantage is never easy.  Maybe I should be more fearful for my own health than I am but my greatest concern is what sort of legacy I give to my child.  I have high blood pressure and also a fairly rare condition called primary lymphedema.  I don't want my child to suffer from the lymphedema.  There is no reason it will be hereditary.  No one in my family had it before I got it and I've talked to many women who have gone through pregnancy with it and whose children are perfectly healthy.  But it is still a fear I have and one that I've struggled with for years and which has held me back from trying to get pregnant.  It occurs to me though that I will have the child that God wants me to have at exactly the right time.  Can there be any doubt about that?

Psalm 139:13-17 (NIV)

 ¹³ For you created my inmost being;
   you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
   your works are wonderful,
   I know that full well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you
   when I was made in the secret place,
   when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed body;
   all the days ordained for me were written in your book
   before one of them came to be.
¹⁷ How precious to me are your thoughts concerning me, God!
   How vast is the sum of them!

I have to keep remembering those verses and hold on to them as I go through this journey.  God already knows my child, even before he/she is formed and He is here with me as I go through this experience.  I just need to put my trust in Him.