Day five and counting up

The first couple of days after the IUI were okay.  Well, the cramping wasn't great but the waiting wasn't bad.  In fact, I was congratulating myself on being unusally patient in this process.  Just when I'm congratulating myself is usually when things start to go bad.  For example, two months ago I was in a car accident on a snow day.  I was driving somewhere for work and congratulating myself on how well I was doing in the snow and ice.  Next thing you know, I'm skidding across lanes of traffic, totaling my car and tearing my knee.  But that is another story. . . .

Though true to form, just as I'm congratulating myself here on the patience thing, the axe falls.  I'm here at home contemplating a pregnancy test.  Oh, why would I do this.  It's not going to show me anything.  Even if it's positive, it could be a false positive from the HCG.  Even if it's negative, it could be a false negative because it is too early.  So basically it would be one big waste of a pregnancy test and still I want to take one.  This is my life . . . impatient in almost everything.  I just want to get things done and figure things out and know how things are going to go.

But, I'll be a good girl and wait . . . at least for a while.  Happy two week wait for my readers who are in the same boat as me.  At least we are all in it together.

Baby Dust. . . . My Foot

So no one told me that the IUI procedure would hurt like the devil.  My mother's response to this was "I think you're in for a rude awakening if you think that was bad.  Just wait for the labor and delivery part."  Basically, I've just come to the conclusion that I'm a wimp at the very thought of pain.  Though to be honest, in the grand scheme of things . . . on the spectrum of pain . . . it really wasn't that bad.  The worst of it was that my cervix is tilted and hard to get to so some sort of really fun instrument had to be used to pinch and lift my cervix.  Doesn't that sound great!  The on top of that was the all day cramping . . . fun times.

The best part of it though is that the IUI was done, my donor's counts were high and according to the nurse "looked great" and I'm on my way to finding out if I'm going to get pregnant.  I'm officially in the two week waiting period.  Sadly there is no cheating and finding out early with a pregnancy test.  The HCG shot can give false positives so there is nothing to do but wait out the two weeks and see.  If I'm a baby with pain, I'm not any better with patience.  So I suspect it is going to be a very long two weeks.  I'm not even sure what I should be doing in these two weeks.  Is there anything special I need to do?  Anything I need to stop doing?  I just don't want to screw this up by something I've done.  Any suggestions and advice from readers would be great!

I've mostly napped today and I'm headed back to bed soon hopefully.  My waking dreams for the last five years have been about having a baby and now that I'm on the road to fulfilling that dream, I suspect I'll be full time dreaming about it.  But that is okay since that is where my heart is.

Counting down the hours

It's late and I can't sleep and I now have less than 8 hours until the IUI.  It seems unreal to me that in less than 8 hours I'll be at my doctor's office going through with a plan I've been thinking about and praying about for more than five years.  I haven't told very many people that I'm doing this.  For the most part, those I've told have been supportive or at least not discouraging.  Today though someone asked me if I was really doing the right thing. . . had I prayed about it and did I really think it was spiritually the right decision.  Here is the problem with those questions. . . . It really doesn't matter what I say because the person who asks those questions already has an opinion formed in their own mind that what I am doing is wrong.  I don't think I could ever answer those questions to that person's satisfaction because what I really think they wanted was for me to say "aha, you are right and I shouldn't do this." 

Here's the thing though. . .Yes, I've prayed about this for more than five years.  I've walked away from doing this several times.  I've put aside what I wanted because I thought I was being selfish bringing a baby into a single parent home just because I wanted it; because I felt if I just waited a little longer, that "right guy" would come into my life and I wouldn't have to do it alone; because deep at heart I really don't want to do this alone.  About a year and a half ago, I was at the point of going through this procedure and I saw a picture on facebook of my sister-in-law, my brother and my niece . . . one big happy family. . . . and I couldn't go through with it.  That is the picture I wanted in my life. . . me and a husband/father and a baby . . . and it really hurt not to have that.  It's been something like that every time I've planned to do this before and that is partly how I know it is right for me now.  I still want the whole picture and I still hope I get it, but I finally feel peace and joy about having a baby . . . about what I have to offer a baby, all by myself.  I think I was right though to limit who I've told about my baby quest.  Some people just won't understand and some people will judge me but not everyone.  It is just a matter of weeding out the naysayers and keeping close to those who support me.  Because at the end of the day, all that matters is that I've wrestled with this plan and I've prayed it out and now I've left it at the feet of God to either happen or not, but I'm putting myself out there, knowing that if now is the time and these are the right circumstances, I will have the child I'm meant to have . . . and I'm great with that.