Counting down the hours

It's late and I can't sleep and I now have less than 8 hours until the IUI.  It seems unreal to me that in less than 8 hours I'll be at my doctor's office going through with a plan I've been thinking about and praying about for more than five years.  I haven't told very many people that I'm doing this.  For the most part, those I've told have been supportive or at least not discouraging.  Today though someone asked me if I was really doing the right thing. . . had I prayed about it and did I really think it was spiritually the right decision.  Here is the problem with those questions. . . . It really doesn't matter what I say because the person who asks those questions already has an opinion formed in their own mind that what I am doing is wrong.  I don't think I could ever answer those questions to that person's satisfaction because what I really think they wanted was for me to say "aha, you are right and I shouldn't do this." 

Here's the thing though. . .Yes, I've prayed about this for more than five years.  I've walked away from doing this several times.  I've put aside what I wanted because I thought I was being selfish bringing a baby into a single parent home just because I wanted it; because I felt if I just waited a little longer, that "right guy" would come into my life and I wouldn't have to do it alone; because deep at heart I really don't want to do this alone.  About a year and a half ago, I was at the point of going through this procedure and I saw a picture on facebook of my sister-in-law, my brother and my niece . . . one big happy family. . . . and I couldn't go through with it.  That is the picture I wanted in my life. . . me and a husband/father and a baby . . . and it really hurt not to have that.  It's been something like that every time I've planned to do this before and that is partly how I know it is right for me now.  I still want the whole picture and I still hope I get it, but I finally feel peace and joy about having a baby . . . about what I have to offer a baby, all by myself.  I think I was right though to limit who I've told about my baby quest.  Some people just won't understand and some people will judge me but not everyone.  It is just a matter of weeding out the naysayers and keeping close to those who support me.  Because at the end of the day, all that matters is that I've wrestled with this plan and I've prayed it out and now I've left it at the feet of God to either happen or not, but I'm putting myself out there, knowing that if now is the time and these are the right circumstances, I will have the child I'm meant to have . . . and I'm great with that.